Wednesday, December 14, 2011

the hard goodbye.

Almost 10 years ago, I married my college sweetheart and moved to Texas.  A few months in, I had my first birthday as a married woman.  My birthday wish was a Scottish terrier.  I had fallen in love with one in a bridal shop as he stalked me like an inch high private eye.  We found a breeder a few hours away and set off on our merry way to get a pup.    When we arrived, my husband sat on a sofa as puppies nipped at our feet and yelped.  Many puppies were already spoken for, but I saw one little Scottie pup with a  flopped over ear who had been passed up because his ears were not standing yet.  He played alone and when another pup came to play with him, he simply gave up his toy and found something else to do.  My heart went out to the flop eared pup, and I knew we could give him a great home where nobody would nip at him or steal his toys.  I knew he could make it with a childless couple with no other dogs.  

 Within a couple of years we started having children.  He adjusted like a pro.  For a long time I felt guilty that he wasn't as pampered as before, but now I understand he just settled into his adult personality.  Scotties can be a lot like cats.  That independent pup grew into a very independent dog.  He had the duty to watch over our house and took pride in barking the minute someone stepped on our property.  He also relished harassing the squirrels and yippy dogs next door.  He loved escaping from the front door and going to our neighbor's fence and marking that area just to taunt them.  Just like before, making his own entertainment and living a secret life. 

At about 8 years old, he started having accidents all over the house.  The vet found his liver seemed to be failing, but could not find the root cause.  We were sent home and told to return if things got worse.  For a year and a half we cleaned up accidents...a lot.  One day my husband spotted blood, so back to the vet we went.  The vet thought it was kidney stones.  We agreed to a surgery thinking he would live several more years if we could learn how to feed him food that wouldn't trigger kidney stones.  Unfortunately, the kidney stones turned out to be cancer tumors.  We were given some pain medication and a grim prognosis.  We bought new toys, new treats, and gave lots of love  Unfortunately,  things went downhill quickly.  I made an appointment for last Friday but wrestled with the decision.  I prayed for peace and on Friday morning I saw him with new eyes.  He was suffering.  He had moments of energy but I knew I couldn't wait until all those moments were gone- he was suffering right now.  He had McDonald's for breakfast and lunch.  My husband played ball with him...he could only manage 3 "fetches" before he was exhausted.  We took the kids to a neighbor and rolled through McDonald's one last time for ice cream..  We rolled the windows down for one last ride to the country vet.

It was so hard...incredibly hard.  I hated having the decision over life and death.  Still, he deserved to go peacefully before complete misery set in.  

We came home that night and made a Scottie Dog Superman Angel ornament...we have a scottie ornament every year and this year we will have our tribute to Ewan.

The next day I cried as I had to wash up his water bowl.  I looked up from the kitchen sink and saw 2 squirrels having fits of ecstacy in our oak tree.  I laughed at how Ewan had protected our backyard so fiercely, it was like an all-you-can-eat acorn buffet just opened up in the middle of winter.  I'm tempted to open the backdoor and jingle his collar just to taunt them...I think he'd like that.

Thank you Ewan...for being a child when I needed children and a vacuum cleaner when I had children. 

Thank you for guarding our home and our yard...if only our hearts were as protected.


32 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for you. I've been through similar with my cat, & I still miss him to pieces. In fact I just hung 'his' ornament on the tree down where he could reach it. Peace to you & your family during this most difficult of times....

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss! I'm wiping tears as I type! He made special memories for you and I'm sure you made life special for him.

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  3. O Mary, I am so sorry that you had to go through this right now. It sounds like you made the right decision and I am glad that your fur-kid is no longer suffering. He sounds like he was very loved and lived a very full life so I hope those memories can cheer you as you miss and mourn him. *hugs*

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  4. I love the pic of him with his head down! He looks so regal!! again my prayers to your aching hearts.

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  5. I am so sorry for your loss...I'm sure he was very loved and had a full life.

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  6. I am so sorry for your loss. My family lost our lovely Sheltie last year so I understand what you are going through. It's so difficult to part with our wonderful, furry friends. Thinking of you...

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  7. That stinks. We had to make the same sort of decision just over a year ago.

    I'll be praying for my far away friend and her family. May God soften the blow, warming the embers of rememberance so that they fill your heart with joy rather than the hollow coldness of good byes. May He enable you to hold onto that joy as you move forward.

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  8. So sorry, Mary! Our pets are just such wonderful companions and family members. Praying for your heart to be comforted.

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  9. It's amazing how entangled our pets can become in our lives. I couldn't imagine a life without them. The pain may fade with time, but never let go of the memories!

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  10. I'm in tears. I'm so sorry for you and your family! Dogs are such a special part of our homes... :(

    Jennifer

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  11. Gosh I wish this had come with a warning! I am so sorry for you, we have had to do this twice and I am now trying to prepare myself for the day when I have to say goodbye to my eldest dog (now 18.1/2!!) She is nearly blind and very deaf but still enjoys life, still loves her food and occasionally even manages to have a play. I am praying that she dies naturally and I don't have to make the decision for a third time. My heart goes out to you. Linda xx

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  12. I'm so sorry for your loss, Mary. I am dreading the day I have to make this decision with my dog, but he's still young so hopefully that day is far away. You'll be in my thoughts!

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  13. My deepest condolences for your loss. I hope that the fact that he is no longer suffering will give you some solace. The decision must have been very difficult but unselfish.

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  14. I'm so sorry about your loss....we recently had to put out little Shih Tzu to sleep too. It's just amazing that this little animal can fill up a home with so much joy. To help mend our hearts we went out and got a new puppy. It wasn't to replace her but to give another animal the love that we all have spilling over. Maybe that would help you someday too.

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  15. I'm crying now... What a beautiful tribute to him.
    I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your lovely family member! We had to say goodbye to our beloved Norwegian Forestcat a year ago and no words can describe what a hole he left in our hearts and our home so I think I know how you feel. Despite it being poor comfort now I just want you to know you did the most caring thing you can do for the one you love, and that is to let them go when the time comes.

    Know he's waiting for you at rainbow bridge: http://rainbowsbridge.com/poem.htm

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  16. Aww, sorry to hear about your wee guy, I'm sure he loved all the years he spent with you (((((HUGS)))))

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  17. oh I a so sorry. they hold special places in our hearts and in heaven. when I lost my first westie of 17 years I was given a cartoon by raising duncan (about a scottie and now we used that name for our current westie) it was of a dog and a cat on the bed of their master and looking down at ghosts of dogs saying how loyal they were hugs

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  18. I'm so, so sorry about your losing your pup. I lost my Sammie this year and still miss him dearly.

    Our pups are capable of giving us great love.

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  19. Hooo boy! The floodgates have opened! Reminded me of so many pets over so many years. Highly recommend the Rainbow Bridge poem - it'll make you cry like a baby - but it's very cathartic and obviously written by someone who loved and was loved by a pet. You and your Scottie dog were so lucky to have had one another.

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  20. An excellent tribute to Ewan... I think he would approve... Man...love and hugs going out to you and the family...My heart feels the pain you must be going through... Jingle Ewan's collar at the squirrels... bring it and we can terrorize the cats and chase them when you come... Ewan will live forever in our hearts!

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  21. I'm so sorry to hear about this, what a sad thing for your whole family. This post was a beautiful tribute!

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  22. That is so sad but you feel so much for him because he had made his home in your heart and you gave him a very special life full of love! He couldn't have had better!

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  23. Oh, Mary. I'm so sorry. Huge hugs and love to you.

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  24. Oh, Mary! My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  25. Your post is such a loving tribute to Ewan. I know that what you shared with us in no way encompasses everything he was to your family but how much you loved him is evident in your words. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  26. I'm so sorry, Mary. I dread the day I wil have to do the same. These creatures are an important part of our lives and they go too soon. Prayers for good memories, another four legged fella when the time is right and peace in your heart.

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  27. You made me cry. I hate losing my fur babies. It is so hard. I am going to share this post with a friend of mine. Hugs to you.

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  28. You brought tears to my eyes - the love you had for each other is wonderful. It is so hard to lose such a beloved member of the family but we find comfort in knowing they are in a better place. Take care !

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  29. Hey Mary, I am fighting the lump in my throat right now. I have been through the same thing where several years ago I had to put down my 2 year old cat. My twin just had to put down her cat like a couple of weeks ago from Liver failure. It's really hard but we all made the best decision. My heart truly goes out to you. May God make it easy for you to get through this difficult time and heal your heart quickly but never make you forget.


    @pril
    KoolBeenz-blog.blogspot.com

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  30. I've had to make that decision, too. It isn't easy, but, we do it because we love them so much. I hope it is better after some time.

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  31. I came upon your blog looking for information about Mountain Mist batting (which I found - thank you very much) and saw this post in the "You might also like" boxes. It's awful how beloved pets take part of your heart when they go, isn't it? This was a touching tribute to your wonderful Ewan. I'm sure he's waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge.
    Nancy from joy for grace

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