the hard goodbye.

Almost 10 years ago, I married my college sweetheart and moved to Texas.  A few months in, I had my first birthday as a married woman.  My birthday wish was a Scottish terrier.  I had fallen in love with one in a bridal shop as he stalked me like an inch high private eye.  We found a breeder a few hours away and set off on our merry way to get a pup.    When we arrived, my husband sat on a sofa as puppies nipped at our feet and yelped.  Many puppies were already spoken for, but I saw one little Scottie pup with a  flopped over ear who had been passed up because his ears were not standing yet.  He played alone and when another pup came to play with him, he simply gave up his toy and found something else to do.  My heart went out to the flop eared pup, and I knew we could give him a great home where nobody would nip at him or steal his toys.  I knew he could make it with a childless couple with no other dogs.  

 Within a couple of years we started having children.  He adjusted like a pro.  For a long time I felt guilty that he wasn't as pampered as before, but now I understand he just settled into his adult personality.  Scotties can be a lot like cats.  That independent pup grew into a very independent dog.  He had the duty to watch over our house and took pride in barking the minute someone stepped on our property.  He also relished harassing the squirrels and yippy dogs next door.  He loved escaping from the front door and going to our neighbor's fence and marking that area just to taunt them.  Just like before, making his own entertainment and living a secret life. 

At about 8 years old, he started having accidents all over the house.  The vet found his liver seemed to be failing, but could not find the root cause.  We were sent home and told to return if things got worse.  For a year and a half we cleaned up accidents...a lot.  One day my husband spotted blood, so back to the vet we went.  The vet thought it was kidney stones.  We agreed to a surgery thinking he would live several more years if we could learn how to feed him food that wouldn't trigger kidney stones.  Unfortunately, the kidney stones turned out to be cancer tumors.  We were given some pain medication and a grim prognosis.  We bought new toys, new treats, and gave lots of love  Unfortunately,  things went downhill quickly.  I made an appointment for last Friday but wrestled with the decision.  I prayed for peace and on Friday morning I saw him with new eyes.  He was suffering.  He had moments of energy but I knew I couldn't wait until all those moments were gone- he was suffering right now.  He had McDonald's for breakfast and lunch.  My husband played ball with him...he could only manage 3 "fetches" before he was exhausted.  We took the kids to a neighbor and rolled through McDonald's one last time for ice cream..  We rolled the windows down for one last ride to the country vet.

It was so hard...incredibly hard.  I hated having the decision over life and death.  Still, he deserved to go peacefully before complete misery set in.  

We came home that night and made a Scottie Dog Superman Angel ornament...we have a scottie ornament every year and this year we will have our tribute to Ewan.

The next day I cried as I had to wash up his water bowl.  I looked up from the kitchen sink and saw 2 squirrels having fits of ecstacy in our oak tree.  I laughed at how Ewan had protected our backyard so fiercely, it was like an all-you-can-eat acorn buffet just opened up in the middle of winter.  I'm tempted to open the backdoor and jingle his collar just to taunt them...I think he'd like that.

Thank you Ewan...for being a child when I needed children and a vacuum cleaner when I had children. 

Thank you for guarding our home and our yard...if only our hearts were as protected.